Friday, February 27, 2015

'No Bra Time for Happy Hour Girls'

Maude and the girls were all sleeping soundly. It was late last night and I sat on the sofa to focus on the exciting events of my day.

I dozed off.

I awoke in the glow of a blue screen. SKY had dozed off with me and was now on its standby menu. I was still wearing Maude’s glasses – I’d put them on earlier as a way of amusing everyone and trying to do the ‘funny thing’. I remember a Steve Martin appearance on David Letterman a few years ago. Martin came on and ostentatiously sat in the wrong chair before standing, sighing and saying:

"Always trying to do the funny thing..."

Maude wears the glasses for watching TV - so I thought I'd give them a go, to see the world through her eyes. Everything was a bit blurry. I jabbed at the SKY remote control and brought up a channel at the shady far end of the satellite spectrum. Tinny dance music crept into the room. I pushed the glasses down to the tip of my nose and peeped over them. All I could see on the screen was a large leather sofa. An unseen female voice recited a premium rate number, along with some salacious encouragement to call. Her tone trailed off with lack of interest and began to remind me of an announcement that might tell shoppers that a range of bakery items was ‘reduced to clear at the end of aisle 8’.

I sat up, decided that this channel was not for me and reached for the remote. Just as I was about to switch back to the safer territory of standby, three figures appeared and took to the sofa. Three women in little more than lingerie remnants and g-strings - which seemed more revealing than actual nudity.

Two of the women were soon talking animatedly into cordless phones and seemed to be interacting with indecent callers. Their conversations were accompanied by gyrations, lewd gestures directly to camera and carnal contact with the sofa's upholstery.

The 3rd woman, in contrast, looked bereft. She smiled nervously, gulped and adjusted her negligible negligee. She did not appear to have a caller and looked off-screen for some kind of guidance. I imagined an overweight and perspiring man in headphones off camera urging her to carry regardless. She turned back to face her public and began to brandish a rosette showing the number 3. I guessed that this number was added to the premium rate number flashing at the foot of the screen to speak to her directly and chivvy her on to some form of gyration to match that of her colleagues.

I wanted to call.

I wanted to call to say that everything would be alright, that there must be other ways to pay the bills and that the cushions didn't match the sofa.

I wanted to call to suggest that she now had enough ‘body art’ and should resist peer pressure and the temptation to get any more tattoos.

I hit the information button to learn that I was watching the enigmatically named:

‘No Bra Time for Happy Hour Girls.’

The next feature on the channel was to be ‘Anal Housewives 2’.

I couldn’t possibly stay tuned – I hadn’t seen the first one.

Wednesday, February 04, 2015

'Happy Place'

‘Wake her up!’

‘She is awake, Dad.’

‘So she is. Is that her talking?’

‘Yes. She’s talking to Clarence.

‘She’s like her mother – she’d talk to a lamp-post.’

Bernadette was cheerfully engaging with the dementia patient in the bed opposite.

‘How are you doing Clarence?’

Clarence held his forehead in a very woeful attitude and then responded in a heavy West Indian accent:

‘Under pressure! I’m under pressure!’

The small ward was home to four elderly men all suffering from their own version of dementia: 

My father - whose mind transported him to his 'Happy Place' (the pub) each day. He referred to the nurses as ‘barmaids’.

Austin, a second old Irishman, who frequently asked for whiskey but settled for a cup of tea.

Clarence who regaled his second wife with joyous memories of his first wife and then wondered why he felt 'under pressure'.

Sidney - who watched all activity like a hawk and claimed ownership of everything on the ward:

‘Hey, that’s mine!'

‘No it isn’t Sid.’

‘Yes, it fucking well is!’

Clarence was about to launch into an elaboration on his ‘pressure’ for Bernie's benefit, when my father intervened.

‘Give me the wallet now.'

Bernadette stood up slowly and processed to the bed – appropriate ceremony and solemnity for an appearance by the wallet. I was about to liken the wallet to something I had recently seen at Beamish Museum, but I stopped myself. Dad brought the battered pouch very close to his worn out eyes, surveyed its shape and rubbed its surface. My mother had been instructed by him to send the wallet in with two twenty pound notes in it. Bernadette was the nominated ‘keeper of the wallet’ for the day.

Dad removed a note. He shook it, pulled it and creased it a little to ensure that it was a single note. I thought he was about to do a magic trick. He then held it so closely over his eyes that it resembled a little mask. Bernadette hovered over the bed. Eventually Dad gave up on his attempt to see:

‘What is that one?’

‘It’s a twenty Dad.’

‘That’s mine!’ shouted Sidney.

Dad removed the second note from the wallet and went through the same routine. My mother had told me that he wanted to give some money to me for the girls.

‘And what’s that one?’

‘That’s a twenty as well Dad.’

‘Give that back!’ shouted Sid.

Bernie rolled her eyes and smiled at me.

Clarence distracted Sid for a minute or two.

‘Hey, you can have everything I have. It’s yours. I don’t need the pressure!’

Dad was waving the two notes in front of his face in one last check that neither of them was stuck to another note. He placed the original twenty into his mouth for a moment – like a cashier using that little clip on a till before giving change for a large note. He replaced the second note in the wallet and waved the wallet for Bernie’s attention.

Bernie took the wallet and processed back to her armchair.

Dad could hear that Bernie was back in place.

‘There,’ he said as he took the note from his mouth and handed it to me, ‘split that one. Ten each.’

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

'Seeing the Bigger Picture'

"This is a competency-based interview and the first competency we'll cover is 'Seeing the Bigger Picture'"

I had revised all the competencies and I certainly knew the gist of this one. I repeated it to myself:

"Seeing the Bigger Picture.
Seeing the Bigger Picture...."

I turned it into a private mantra because I didn't want to 'see the smaller picture' - a tableau with an interviewer who had not taken the time to make a last minute check on her nostrils. A picture in which the foreground was dominated by, and the eye was irresistibly drawn to, a pendulous bogey.

The interview ground on - as interviews do. I talked too much. I made too many hand gestures - as I grasped for inspiration in the overheated office air. Pauses naturally occured each time my answer ran out of steam. The interviewer watched as my hands settled down, then smiled an indulgent professional smile as she prepared to ask her next 'competency-based' question. It was during one of these pauses that I wondered if the snot was a prop designed to distract candidates. I wouldn't claim to be up to date with cutting edge recruitment techniques, but remember this experience if Claude has some nostril company during the interview stage of 'The Apprentice' next year.

"That's great," my interviewer said. Her tone suggested some relief as we trotted into the home strait of our exchange. "We've covered all of the competencies now. Finally, do you have any questions for me?"

The interviewer closed her mouth. This pulled the shutters down on her indulgent smile and signalled procedural closure. I put on a 'just thinking of a really intelligent closing question' face - I think I even cupped my chin in my hand as I did so. Nothing came - other than the realisation that the woman who politely awaited my response would have to breathe shortly and would have to breathe through her nose.

As I opened my mouth to speak, she exhaled. The tiny bat of snot made its bid for freedom and floated like a leaf on the breeze. A part of me wanted to press my excitable hands back into service to reach for the bogey. It was the same part of me that always wants to shout "No! He's having an affair' at the point in weddings when the vicar asks for 'any known impediment'  (even at weddings when I don't know that the groom's having an affair). I wanted to catch the bogey as much as a child wants to capture a floating bubble.

The mantra in my head began again, just in time.

'Seeing the Bigger Picture.
Seeing the Bigger Picture.....'

The snotleaf came to rest, unmolested, in the warm cradle of its mother's lap.

"No," I said. "No questions. I think you've covered everything."

Sunday, November 02, 2014

'a calm and biddable bitch'

‘Just wait until she sees you. I’ll let her out into the front garden.’

A grumpy old terrier in the house just didn’t work when Aurora was toddling, so the dog went to live with my sister Bernadette. I think of Pudding often and was recently tempted by a sign I saw in a local shop for a similar dog described as:

'a calm and biddable bitch.'

I stepped out of the car and leaned over the gate as the dog bounded towards me. She’s a forgiving creature and always rolls onto her back for a tummy tickle when we meet. My nephew Lance is inclined to describe Pudding as an ‘attack dog’, but I think the 'metrosexual' signals he gives out just confuse the dog’s simple take on the world.

‘Oh look, she’s not forgotten you!’

Bernadette disappeared into her house to find some gifts she had for the girls.

Pudding quickly moved into a sitting position, glanced around to check that Bernie was out of earshot and then started talking.

‘Is that your car?’

‘Yes,’ I stammered.

‘You and me now, back together. We just get in the car and drive. Anywhere you like – be just like the old days. What do you say Chief?’

I have always had a strong bond with Pudding. We had some good, uncomplicated times together. She would fit under my arm as I shopped one-handedly at Morrison's. The checkout people were always won over by her cheeky grin and never once asked if she was a guide dog. Aurora recently asked me if the lady around the corner with the blind dog was actually a 'guide person'. I replied that yes, she was and is,consequently, allowed into shops.

The sound of Bernadette opening and closing drawers and swearing at herself was seeping out through the open front door.

I pressed the ‘unlock’ symbol on my car key. The car lights flashed – like a signal of getaway readiness. Pud’s docked tail flickered with excitement.

I slowly reached down to touch the bolt on the inside of my sister’s garden gate.

Bernie’s silhouette appeared in the doorway.

‘No, no, no! Don’t let her out. She’s had her walk tonight. Here are those presents. Last drawer I looked in. Typical.’

Monday, September 29, 2014

Downward Dog

I was pleased to find out that the yoga class was in the other church hall – not the hall of the church I have stopped going to. (I really just wanted to sing ‘How Great Thou Art’ once a week and try and put myself into a spiritual zone. I didn’t want to join the 5 a side team or go on long walks in the country.)

It had been a squeeze when the class was held in the local gym – the clank of the free weights and the sound of MTV had rattled my karma.

I was pleased to see more men at the new class. I was even more pleased to see that they were older than me and that the teacher had to give them special attention and kind words of encouragement.

I usually get near the front of the class, so that I don’t have to peer out past somebody’s rear-end to see what the teacher is demonstrating.  The ‘Downward Dog’ position is then useful – as I can look back through my legs to see the older guys struggling. This heartens me. 

I’m not proud of this.

I was the same during my finals at university. I went into a ‘History of Ideas’ paper with little preparation – but when the young man beside me burst into tears half-way through the allotted time I found myself perversely inspired. Using the few quotes I could recall from ‘Freud Made Simple’, I was able to spin out my thoughts onto several supplementary sheets.

The yoga teacher is a better person. With an expression that showed genuine concern, she uttered words that caressed the strugglers and put me to shame: 

‘Just do what you can. Remember – every snowflake is different.’

Wednesday, September 03, 2014

Whisky and Savlon

I live in a very quiet village – officially a ‘dormitory village.’ Most of the houses were built just after the railway station. Only the station platform survives. There are many old people.

There are downsides to living among so many elderly people – they speed-dial the GP surgery as soon as the switchboard opens and pinch all the appointments.  

There are upsides as well – the seniors smile at my children and say sweet things. They also drop their shopping lists around the village – mainly in the woefully understocked and farcically overstaffed local Tesco. My favourite recent find is above. It is written on a page taken from a reusable diary from the last century. 

Milk – essential for tea and coffee which have already been bulk bought for fear of running out. My parents still manage to have at least 2 jars of ‘Mellow Birds’ coffee in their cupboard at all times.

Brown Bread – unlikely to be the very earthy stuff coated in bark-like matter, but a nod towards the need to stay ‘regular’.

2 Tins Oranges – more roughage. Also has the potential to be fashioned into something approaching a ‘dessert’. Peeling fresh oranges must just seem an unnecessary fuss when you reach a certain age.

1 small tin ham – not expecting any company and not fond of leftover ham stored in the fridge.

Tissues – for use while sniffling in the GP waiting area (see above). Can be blown into like a little bugle of triumph while listening to younger villagers being told that all the day’s appointments have gone.

‘Iron Bru’ – he got the ‘Bru’ bit right, but we all know that it’s ‘Irn Bru’. Curious choice for an elderly chap. Perhaps it’s a mixer for….

Bottle Whisky – why not? If I reach the lifestyle signified by this list, I’ll have strong spirits too – probably listed above ‘Milk’.

Savlon Cream – hot on the heels of ‘Whisky’ - I wonder if an allergic reaction is expected….